Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wicked Awesome Senate Appointments

Appointing defeated candidates to senate is the kind of thing you celebrate with a double Jamieson and beer chaser. It is a bottomless belly full of laughter.

The media and opposition are howling in volcanic indignation. If the howling is genuine and thought-through, they will engage the PM in a serious and consequential conversation on democratic reform.

In fact, given opposition howling, this should be an agenda they start pushing like crack in the projects. Otherwise, they'll have no comparative advantage on this subject. Yet another agenda item that came from scary Stephen Harper five years ago and is now nearly universal across the Canadian political spectrum.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Just Visiting

Michael Ignatieff is a sour priss; pity the poor students who will spend hours at a time listening to his collosal self-pity masquerade as education. Pity our country: we know what crappy education collosal self-pity is but on balance its about as good an arts education out there.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Simmer down, Dippers. And Get to Work

This is one narrative that Liberals are drooling to exploit. In practical terms, the Dipper caucus would not be ready to take on its duties by mid-May (imagine if they had won government!). Probably they won't really be ready until September. But they themselves should shut up about that and take whatever short term drubbing the wounded lion Liberals will inflict.

The Tories went through it in 2006 - people had a field day (Andrew Coyne voted Liberal because of the Emerson affair!). And, it turned out pretty good for us. Like, as good as it could ever have been if you aim to build something that lasts past you.

Canadians expect a few giggles at your expense with this young caucus. But they are not bad-natured giggles. Take the lumps with a smile and get to work immediately. By the time it matters, these stories will become marks of fondness for Canadians. Take Maxime Bernier for example: the nation pines for him in cabinet and the only knock on him is he got dumped so the gorgeous girlfriend won't be v-necking her way through photo ops.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Conservative Majority - the Alien Invasion Begins

Foolish humans! We have succeeded with "Operation Landing Bridge" and your conquest is now all but assured.

The two final pieces fall into place:

1. We needed to eliminate our erstwhile ally, Osama Bin Laden. He knew too much and we needed him too little.

2. Then, we needed to secure absolute control of a sizeable swath of land to secretely land the invasion fleet that will conquer Kloopdu 3, or, as you call it, Earth.

With our puppet, Stephen Harper, now fully in charge of Canada, we can prepare the ground for our secret landing.

And you Canadians shall be the first humans to learn of the horrible torture that is life as our slaves. But before that, we'll warm you up with a few years of horrid Conservative government.

Harper will build mega-prisons and you, innocent, foolish Canadians will live in there. We will take away all your rights and freedoms. You will be made to wear uniforms that will seem too thick in summer and too thin in winter. You will eat only potatoes. And in work, you will be highly efficient!

Take heart, Canada, it may hurt that you voted for your own destruction and misery; but trust us, there are worse alien overlords out there than us.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Laden. Dead.

Lunatic slaughterer of innocence, Bin Laden will be best remembered for his unabashed use of beard dye and preference for living in caves with smelly men perenially shouting.

For the death of death salesmen, attention will be paid - lots of celebration but renewed vigilance as well. More lunatics are out there, they meet each in secret places to compare beards and plot world conquest. They don't think much of their life which is why they think none of yours and mine. We remain at risk and on guard.

We also must acknowledge the excellent job in terms of fighting terrorism that President Obama has done. It cements, I think, his re-election in 2012. And it presents, shortly and in his second term, his opportunity to be a transformational president. Needless to say, both in Obama's performance and Osama bin Laden's death, GWB is smiling.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Canada's Yellow Revolution

It is so much fun to contemplate waking up next Tuesday to a Jack Layton government. Okay, granted it won't be Tuesday, it will be a few days after the first Throne Speech.

Jack Layton, as official opposition, will be asked by the GG to try and win the confidence of the house.

The rump Bloc will support the NDP. And, as we have seen this week, demand only that Layton make good on his campaign promises re: Quebec, in return.

The Liberals have a choice. Support the Conservatives in a coalition. Support the NDP in a coalition.

The NDP can win the Liberals over by offering, say, 3 cabinet positions to the Liberals. Maybe the Dipper's will have to thrown in re-branding some spending program as the "Education Passport".

Not all Liberals will like this deal and their protest will manifest itself in the form of some MPs (e.g., Scott Brison). However, it won't be enough to overcome the Layton-Liberal-Bloc coalition deal.

For Liberals, this is the best option available. They have submit to the NDP in order to match their actions to their words (i.e., remove Harper at all costs); while doing so, they have to pray for Layton to fuck everything up.

And the NDP would fuck everything up.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sun News, Day 1

Seinfeld, the Simpsons, Chuckercanuck. Three things that sucked in their early days.

Sun News TV's debut was not Hoover-scaled sucky, but it wasn't a Peter Jackson fantasy epic either.

See, I thought it was great that the various hosts lined up to tell us how bad Lybia's dictactor is and that Jeb Bush is going to be interviewed in the coming days. I chuckled over the bit about the porn-star school secretary. And, I hear, Ezra Levant went all Prophet Mohammed cartoon on us. Real right-wing shock.

However, outside the Sun News TV studio, Canada is having an election. It seems to me that this election is worth a couple of minutes of air time.

The only election talk I heard was an endless loop of Liberal commercials telling me that Stephen Harper makes challah bread with the blood of young liberals.

So, at 8 pm, I turned to Don Martin and CTV because, unlike the Sun, they recognized that Canadians might, just might, want to talk about the election. At least I did.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Rise up! Rise Up Canada!

Nothing Stephane Dion ever did was ever as sublime as this.

If anything ever killed a candidate's chances, this is it.  And, salt to the wound, when Iggy looked for revolutionary inspiration, he chose yankee Bruce Springsteen - probably because he wasn't around when the Parachute Club released its opus on the world.

Of course, Parachute Club's Rise Up is Jack Layton's favorite song (I am not making that up).

Monday, March 14, 2011

Bloc-quing a spring election

If anyone should stop a spring election from happening, it is the Bloc Quebecois.  You can read the argument between the lines of this Chantal Hebert column.

The Bloc has no advantage to gain through an election.  They can do, at beast, little in terms of seat count or, in terms of raison d'etre, advancing separatism. 

The downside, however, happens on day 18 of the campaign, when Quebeckers realize that the Harper regime will swallow up another 20 seats and be the majority government of Canada.  Suddenly, the Bloc Quebecois is at most an irritating rash on the Canadian skin.  Chantal Hebert hides this point in her column, maybe because she doesn't want to scare the Bloc into avoiding the election.  Because Quebeckers won't figure out the future flaccidity of the Bloc Quebecois in a majority government scenario too late.  It will be Day 18. 

Fun to mention: Duceppe is in his third decade as a major political figure in Canadian politics.  This is historic proportions and I think lovers of Canada should pay tribute to his contribution to the richness and stability of Canadian political life.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Liberals & Libya

Like John Ivison and Warren Kinsella, turmoil in Libya has me remembering fondly the days when a long-toothed Liberal regime happily sold brand Canada to promote the wise stewardship of Colonel Kadaffy. 

It sounded like smart politics at the time.  Canadians, in full moral prim-itude, were not hip to the concept of human freedom.  That was dangerous W dummy talk.  We were sophisticated realists who knew the sum of human happiness was assured by men like Saddam Hussein.  How better for Paul Martin to establish his anti-W cred than with a visit to newly-repented Colonel Kadaffy.  Canada, our Prime Minister was saying, was a friend of Arab dictators and few dead dissidents wouldn't spoil the party.

Interestingly, today's Liberals are basically nowhere on what's going on in Libya specifically and the middle east generally.  If they are saying something, clearly, no one in the media thinks they have anything noteworthy to contribute.  Probably, knowing that pictures of Juggernaut Martin and Colonel Kadaffy, hanging in the Colonel's bedoin tent, are all over the internet. 

And Iggy, who once stood with the Kurds against another violent loony tune - Saddam Hussein, is in an awkward position on Libya in particular.  He famously threw the kurds under the bus and argued that wthe orld would be a better place if Saddam Hussein was restored to power.  From that, we can only infer that he has his fingers on Colonel Kadaffy's behalf.   However sincerly held and rigorously considered, Iggy's preference for status-quo autocracy in the middle east is not the fashion these days.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Protests in the Middle East and Middle America

Protests are busting out all over.  Will democracy bloom in the middle east?  Or will Turkey, Israel and Iraq be the only free-vote trio in that area?

I have no clue.  I know Ghaddafi's facial hair creeps me out.  But would I brave sniper fire over it?  Probably not.  Instead, my protest would be quiet and incremental: I'd get lazy.  And lazy is what really kills dictatorships. 

It is something like having an asshole for a boss - nobody works hard anymore.  Nobody comes up with any good ideas or makes any helpful suggestions.  Everybody keeps their head down but their eyes on the clock.   Laziness is a slow-motion tsunami.

Down in Wisconsin, they are protesting too.  In fact, there are hippie punks with the nerve to compare themselves to the brave punks of Cairo.  If they have the nerve to compare themselves, let's look at that seriously:

In Cairo, part of the protest is about bureacrats getting rich from corruption.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire protest is about keeping the fat, corrupt benefits that public unions have extracted from tax payers for their workers.

In Cairo, they protest under the threat of violence for economic fairness.

In Madison, they protest with no threat of anything for economic gluttony.

Someone should spank public unions and their members.  Do they know the value of their pensions?  They are all millionaires.  And none of them understand how unique the rewards of their labour are.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Settle Science, Unsettle Planet

I share two links that should not be overlooked:

Warm Water flowing into the Arctic.

Hymalayan glaciers aren't melting, afterall.

So the science is settled.  Marge Atwood could sing it to you to the tune of "Your so Vain".  But the song is actually about her.

There is a slice of people at any time and place in human experience that feels the evils and horrors of the world are directly connected to our moral crimes.  We commit these crimes whenever we stray from that slice's strictures for good living.  As with global warmers this time, inevitably, the bullshit blows up in their face.

This was never a call to guzzle gas or make believe about dinosaur bones.  Only a plea to accept one unforgiving, unrelenting fact of life: change happens.  Islands sink.  Glaciers melt.  Some summers burn a little more than others.  Rain clouds shift.  Rivers carve.  Mountains crumble.  My greasy body, if the timing is perfect and the compression sufficient, will power some future subaru a mile or so.  Or not.

Monday, January 24, 2011

TV Shows and TV Ads (Liberal ones, both)

From Yankeeland, they piped into my tv a preview of the show that will replace Parker-Spitzer on CNN:  Spitzer-Steele.  Michael Steele is unemployed, Kathleen Parker is a dud.  Swap the two and you have the spectacle of too obnoxious men trying to out-obnoxious one another.  That's basically a distillation of the finest moments in the history of reality television.  If CNN didn't realize this before hand, it should by now and their lawyer's should be drafting a contract with Michael Steele's lawyers.

Meanwhile, I got to end my twenty minutes of telly with a couple of anti-Harper ads from the Liberals.  From the gist of the ads, Liberals expect a revolution over fighter jets and corporate tax cuts.  As always, Liberals are charging to defeat before anyone started playing.

Individually, neither of these issues are obvious wins for Liberals.  Fighter jets fly over wide expanses of arctic.  Making the fighter jets an issue plays into Conservative hands by reminding voters that the government is acting on the citizenry's top priorities. While Liberals will look empty-mouthed when it comes to our foreign policy worries.  Meanwhile, giving Canada kick ass corporate tax rates will pull in additional foreign investment and keep a greater portion of our own capital at work here at home.  Liberals, by contesting the corporate tax cuts, look wilfully clueless about the foundations of job creation.

Together, these issues point to another problem.  These two issues are about as stale as bread in a rue Prince Arthur restaurant. Tories have been long-term planning military assets for half a decade now.  The vision to have hyper-competitive corporate tax rates has been in the wind for at least the last three years.  Liberals have to go back into the archives to raise a couple of issues from the dead? 

The ads both end with the question: is this your Canada?  Or Harper's?  My answer, yes. 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

By the pricking of my thumbs, someting Palin this way comes

Our man Tiger has links to Sarah Palin's facebook video.  She posted it yesterday as a "response" to the Arizona political assasination over the weekend.

Tiger may find what she has to say rationally compelling, let me tell you what Tarkwell thinks:

I think Sarah Palin would rip a suckling baby from her breast and bash its brains out if it would make her King.

She scares the be-jeezus out of me. Not because her head is full of scary right-wing ideas; like Tiger, I accept her basic premises and most conclusions.  But words aren't everything.  Timing, delivery, circumstance - the context matters too.  In those things, ambition, lust and greed can be unmasked.

A politician has survived an assasination attempt.  Many bystanders did not.

Just like it is wrong to apportion some guilt from the crazy bastard's acts on Sarah Palin; it is wrong for Sarah Palin to apportion some victim-ness from the crazy bastard's acts.  But that's just what Sarah Palin is doing - using the occasion to point out how mean people have been to HER. 

A weak and prickly person is a weak and prickly president.

Further, one of the sickest displays possible is rehearsed remorse.  There was a chilling roboticism to her address - it was so bad, even Tarkwell Robotico could have looked more sincere.  In the "grieving" half of the speech, Palin gives this weird, non-sequiter smile when she talks about the United States: she's reminding us all that she loves her country the way simple country folk love old and loyal horses.  Victims get a shrug, the United States gets a wink and a nod; real emotion only barely surfaces when Palin finally gets to talking about her favorite subject, Palin.

A robotic and solipsistic person is a robotic and solipsistic president.

Sarah Palin cannot be president.  She is weak, prickly, robotic and solipsistic. 

Her advisors a idiot boobs who, if they had any sense, would have told her to shut up and take the cheap roughing up at the hands of the usual slithering pricks in silence. The adivsors should have told her to stick to grief and maybe say a kind word about the Rep. Giffords.  Look human, they should have shouted!

Instead,she  turned Andrew Sullivan's lunatic ravings about her into prescient forewarnings.