Splice, A Movie Review

With gereantric habits, Torkwell and Wife, only get around to hot new movies when they come from a cable plugged into the tv.  So, last night, we watched Splice.

It is a Canadian sci-fi flick with a promising setup: two nerds in a lab splice together a new species that looks half-human, half-evil flying squirrel with scorpion tail. 

The movie sucked harder than the biggest water pumps the Big Apple uses to feed the taps.  Why?

Because it is Canadian and cannot resist the gravitational pull of the Canadian film stereotype.

Of course, Splice isn't a terrifically made monster movie - a modern day Frankenstein terrorizing downtown Toronto.  That would be too awesome.   People would have fun watching that movie.  And in Canada, fun in film is verboten (Trailer Park Boys excepted.) 

Instead, Splice is what Canadian science-fiction always is: a stylish exploration of sexual perversion.  It answers the metaphysical question: "What would happen if Golem were a raw-meat eating woman-creature with a hint of breasts?  Would Sam the Hobbit be as hostile to her as she was to him?"

The answer happily comes to us just as we are hoping this creature will escape the barn and go on a killing spree to scare the be-jesus out of us.  Instead, we get to see Adrian Brody's skinny white arse thrust up and down as he releases his passion on the thing with rooster legs.  Minutes later, this creature will turn into a man and rape his "mother-clone". 

"Ahh," I said satisfied with a night at the movies when the credits rolled.  If there's one thing that really kicks off a work week, its 90 minutes of sexual perversion.  I feel so edified.  Thank you Canada's film industry.